Don’t Use The Children As Messengers In Your Divorce

In a divorce (or separation) situation children have no place acting as messengers for the other parent.  Let me illustrate my point with an example.  I got a call a few days ago regarding a contempt.  Among the pertinent facts the caller was giving me, she shared that she and her former spouse were using the children to communicate because the two adults had such a bad relationship.  I can’t be clear enough: never use the children as your messenger service to communicate with your former spouse or boy- or girlfriend.  Talk about an awkward situation for the child(ren)!

The divorce or split wasn’t the fault of the children nor is the continued deterioration of your relationship — so don’t involve them.  Additionally, the issues that are often being discussed relate directly to the children.  This isn’t the role for your children.  And to be more frank, the children shouldn’t be involved in decisions regarding the children.  If you and your former spouse were still married you wouldn’t use the children in this way would you?  You wouldn’t leave it up to your children to determine times for things, would you?

Plus there is one downside that this caller didn’t consider.  If you remember playing “telephone” when you were younger — where one person started a message and whispered it into the ear of the person sitting next to them — you might recall that the message that was eventually said aloud was rarely the message that started!  If you are having trouble communicating as is do you really want to risk having your message not heard as intended.

Bottom line: you have to find a way to communicate.  If you can’t communicated face-to-face try email.  However, when kids are involved you have to find a way to keep that communication flowing without involving the children.