The divorce or split wasn’t the fault of the children nor is the continued deterioration of your relationship — so don’t involve them.  Additionally, the issues that are often being discussed relate directly to the children.  This isn’t the role for your children.  And to be more frank, the children shouldn’t be involved in decisions regarding the children.  If you and your former spouse were still married you wouldn’t use the children in this way would you?  You wouldn’t leave it up to your children to determine times for things, would you?

Plus there is one downside that this caller didn’t consider.  If you remember playing “telephone” when you were younger — where one person started a message and whispered it into the ear of the person sitting next to them — you might recall that the message that was eventually said aloud was rarely the message that started!  If you are having trouble communicating as is do you really want to risk having your message not heard as intended.

Bottom line: you have to find a way to communicate.  If you can’t communicated face-to-face try email.  However, when kids are involved you have to find a way to keep that communication flowing without involving the children.

In Massachusetts there is no clear cut answer on how to deal with this difficult situation and the answer generally lies with each individual judge.  The only guidance a judge has in this situation in Massachusetts is our “best interest of the children” standard.  I would also suggest to parents confronting this situation to use this standard as well.  Before you act, stop and think about what is your children’s best interest.  This isn’t to suggest that unrelated third party visitors (a term that courts use for a wide variety of individuals that are not directly related to the parties and the children) are always a bad idea, however, courts do take a cautious approach.  My experience has been that courts are very wary of exposing children to this often awkward and confusing situation.  The age of the children also seems to play a significant role; the younger the child(ren) the less likely a court is going to allow any sort of contact or even consider the even more delicate issue of “sleeping over.”

Children have a tendency to blame themselves for the divorce and often believe that they have in some way caused the breakdown in the relationship. As a parent it is essential that we let our children know that they have nothing to do with the divorce.

Here are a few excellent tips to help you guide your children through this tough time:

1. Respect the other parent. This is cannot be overstated. You and your spouse may be ending your relationship for a variety of reasons but your child and that parent are still moving forward with their relationship. Respect your child by not letting your venom for the other parent poison the relationship between that parent and your child.

2. Encourage your children to be just that — children! Divorce is a “grown-up” problem. Yes, this applies even to children in their adult teens. The divorce is between you and your spouse and involves your issues. Don’t let your child get mixed up in those issues. Make sure your child is still involved in all of the activities he or she was before. Normalcy is important.

3. Focus on the future, not the past. Your separation and subsequent divorce mean a lot of change. Don’t let your child dwell on the past and try to determine why his or her family is in the situation. Talk about the future and the new beginnings and the new challenges. Be honest. Focus on the future though, so your child can see that the present will not last forever.

4. Never stop telling them that this isn’t their fault. We all know a child who has gone through a divorce. It seems almost like a cliché now but children really do blame themselves. Remind your children whenever it is appropriate that the current situation is in no way their making.